I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
