totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
