it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
