How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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