sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
