actually, I'm a sock model
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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