So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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