I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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