Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
