just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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