I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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