if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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