He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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