i need an iv and a liver transplant
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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