So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
