I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
