Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
