Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
