jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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