You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
