I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She's the barista slut.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
