you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She announced her abortion via fbk
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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