my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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