Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
