My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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