my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
