She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
