I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
