i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
