there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
