Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
