I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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