she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
