I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
