I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
