yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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