Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
