Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
