...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
