Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
