Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
