I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
