If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
