Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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