I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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