there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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