i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
