so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
