I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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