I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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