i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Hello my rib-scented angel!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
