Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
